Instant Motherhood

I took a respite care placement.  My first attempt at being a foster mother.  I feel alienated.  It's like here... and a kid gets dropped off at my doorstep, and I suddenly become the sole responsible person.  I have yet to speak to his actual caseworker.  The most responsive person in the organization has informed me that she will be on vacation for the duration of the placement.  I suppose it's no different really than coming home with a new baby, I mean actually, he requires a lot less care.  But this kid has had nearly 10 years of life, 10 years of other people in his life, and suddenly he is depending on a total stranger to meet all his needs.  To balance all her stuff in addition to managing his stuff when previously she couldn't even figure herself out.

Granted I haven't been completely deserted, though it certainly feels that way.  His mentor came and took him for 4 hours today.  But then there's this jealousy, like she gets to take him, do fun things with him, and actually gets paid for it (granted not much, but she still earns some money).  That used to be my role.  I used to provide psychosocial rehabilitation (basically means take a kid out into the community and spend some time with them).  I used to be the nanny (run the household for a few hours, but then leave and get paid).  But motherhood doesn't pay financially.  Sure, as a foster parent I will get a small stipend.  But really, I doubt I'll even break even with the amount I've spend on food and activities.

It's not like regular motherhood either where you can post all your kids pictures on Facebook and share their stories over the phone with your friends.  The foster care world is this secret world where I discreetly post a blog reaching out to the cyber community (which isn't following me since I haven't posted in nearly a year) for some kind of support in this time where I suddenly became a mom overnight.

I suppose that most of all, it's just really saddening.  He made a couple calls the first night, met with his therapist the day after, and his mentor took him today.  But really it just feels like he and I, and it feels a little lonely and like a whole lot of responsibility.