Saying No

My first foster placement call came a few weeks ago, prior to being licensed.  During preparation for the licensing they continually ask you what your ideal candidate would be for placement.  I had that rehearsed and figured out, "A boy under the age of 8, probably African-American, with a permanency plan goal of return home."  Why a boy, they would ask, most single woman your age prefer girls?  "Girls are too much drama, I want a child that is more straight forward and will go ride bikes with me and go play outside."

I imagined an aggressive child with a lot of behavior problems in which my patience and experience as teacher and therapist would come in handy.  They had us do exercises in which we would picture our lives  with our "ideal" child.  I picked that age because he would be young enough for me to be bigger than and manage but that he would also go to school while I worked during the day.

But in reality, your "ideal" child does not just appear out of nowhere.  It's not like going shopping or even like going to an animal shelter where you can scan the crates for just the right dog or cat that will fit right in with your family.  They call you regardless if it is "ideal" when they have a family in crisis and a child is in need of a stable home.  I certainly was not prepared for that and most definitely not prior to being licensed.

Nonetheless, I was contacted,  "We have a sibling pair, a four-month old baby boy and his 3 year-old sister who have been at the shelter for the past month waiting for placement.  They are Caucasian which may have been what made them difficult to place.  We can put a rush on your license and see about placing two children with you rather than the one if you are interested in taking them."  So the initial reaction of myself and many I talked to: "A FOUR-MONTH OLD!!!"

After my initial shock, I started imagining what my life would be like.  I would be dealing with night-time feedings and trying to get two small children up and to day-care prior to getting to work and then picking them up, feeding them dinner, and bedtime drama on top of my already draining work environment.  But I was also imagining myself in a role unlike the one I was picturing in with my "ideal" foster child.  Rather than teacher/therapist, I would become an instant "parent" and attachment figure to two very small impressionable children.  I would see a baby develop from infancy on into toddlerhood.  Not only that but I would be assisting in making sure that these little ones continued to  maintain a relationship with their mother who would be doing everything she could to get them back.  It was then that my maternal desires started kicking into overdrive and even before meeting these two little children I was falling in love with them and their mother who had just lost them!

I was ready and willing to take them in but others that I talked to about the prospect were still in a state of shock.  They tried to talk me out of it with realistic expectations of what I was about to walk into.  There was little opportunity for them to gradually come to the state of acceptance and understanding of the situation.  The placement would need to happen immediately, like within the next 48 hours.  It took all by power to call the social worker back, "I regret to inform you that I will not be able to take these two children in."

I was absolutely heartbroken!  Before I even met these children and I was having the hardest time letting go.  It is so hard for me to accept the fact that I will not be able to save every child, that there are a lot of children out there needing stable home environments, but that it is not my responsibility to take them all in.  I have my strengths and weaknesses and placing a four-month old and a three-year old with a single woman who works full-time was probably not in the best interests of the children or for my own sanity.  Sure, I could have done it, I could have somehow managed and been a good temporary mother.  But the timing just wasn't quite right and there's the possibility that I will be the "ideal" placement for some other child down the road.

Of course, one of my questions for the social worker at our last home visit, "Did you place them?  Are they in a good home?"  I was reassured by the fact that she had placed them.  It was not my responsibility, there were other people out there that could hopefully provided a better home than I.  I also asked about the process, "Is it just like this for every placement call?"  Surprisingly, I was a little disappointed by the answer.  The agency I went with does not typically get these kind of immediate return home placement type of contracts.  She told me, "Only about once a year do we have a situation like this one."

So what if I missed my opportunity?  What if my "ideal" child never comes along?

For those of you readers who are also foster parents, what was your placement call?  When was the first time you said no to a placement?